Crap-for-Crap

surgery today

2009-06-26T03:28:17Z

Finally am getting some relief from menopausal-related issues. I've had enough pain meds today to float around for hours. It's too bad this stuff is only available via prescription. Awesome!

Sarah Palin in the Oval Office

2008-10-18T17:52:38Z

Have fun! (Don't answer the phone!!)

www.palinaspresident.us/

cat_slave @ 2008-10-18T13:47:00

2008-10-18T17:48:35Z

From VoteFromAbroad.com

cat_slave @ 2008-09-06T22:10:00

2008-09-07T02:11:54Z

Note to self:

DO NOT read H.P. Lovecraft stories about rats & demons when you are alone in a house at night and the wind is so strong it knocks things off tables and rattles doors.

That is all.

Lottie's hot pepper sauce

2008-09-01T18:54:53Z

I made an attempt to re-create Lottie's Barbados hot pepper sauce using the Scotch Bonnet peppers and some red hot peppers from my garden. Russell says it has too much mustard, even though I followed the recipe exactly. I wore a dust mask to keep the pepper oils from my eyes and mouth, and it worked. However, I ignored the advice to wear latex gloves while chopping the peppers, and now my thumb and index finger on my left hand (the one that held the peppers) are burning, burning, burning, even though I've washed them repeatedly. I got some pepper oil underneath my thumbnail, and it only stops burning when I keep it in my mouth.

I remember when my younger brother took a newly picked and sliced hot banana pepper and thrust it against my mouth -- my lip swelled up and burned for at least 30 minutes. But I finished handling the peppers almost an hour ago, and it STILL burns! Ye-ouch!

By the way, I get SPORE delivered to my house next week, and it's MINE, ALL MINE!!!! Bwwhahahahahahaha!!

Nerd test

2008-06-11T02:09:38Z

I took this test a couple of years ago. Looks like I've progressed along the nerd scale.....

Of cats and prey

2008-05-01T13:30:18Z

I awoke this morning to the sound of chirping. Coming from my youngest cat.

Since her favorite person was away from home, I assumed she was looking for him for her morning cuddle. I was hoping she'd come to me and cuddle, and waited, drowsing, until she found me. She chirped and squeaked, and I heard her banging around in an adjacent room.

Another cat came in my room - her older, lazier, non-chirping-and-squeaking "sister." This cat simply stood in my room, patiently waiting. The squeaking cat fully woke me when she jumped onto the lower shelf of my bedside stand, hanging half on, half off the shelf. I finally looked down at her, expecting a purring, happy cat.

Instead I found a cat looking intently under my bedside stand and under the heat duct. She had brought in something to eat -- something alive, I guessed, since she was attempting to still catch it.

A mouse! I thought. I heard nothing, she remained on guard, and the second, lazy cat was sitting about 3 feet away, staring at the night stand.

I moved the night stand but found nothing. I left for the bathroom, hoping she'd catch whatever it was in the meantime. Upon my return, I saw neither cat. Hooray! The cat was successful!

But my happiness was short-lived. A cat squeak emerged from under the bed. A fat slug of a cat soon followed. Damn! Not the squeaking cat, which meant she was now under the bed with her prize.

Hunkering down with a very bright lamp, I looked under the bed to see the squeaking cat standing over a small, dark, unmoving object at the far side of the bed next to the wall. Aha! At least it's dead now, I thought.

I moved a blanket chest, the night stand, and finally the bed. With a fistful of tissues, I was ready to grab the poor dead thing and put it outside for cat consumption. Reaching down, I found.............................nothing. No cat, no dead thing, nothing but dust.

Damn! Damn! and Damn again!! I moved the bed further away from the wall. STILL nothing! Returning to the open side of the bed, I lifted the bed skirt to see a fully alive and aware tiny bird -- shivering but sitting perfectly still. Hovering over her was the squeaking cat, who looked at me as if to say, "Will you PLEASE get this thing and eat it?"

Realization hit me -- I am her kitten. My family are her kittens. She keeps bringing us stuff to kill so we can learn how to hunt. She's a 2-year-old spayed female, and she is simply following her instincts. However, I don't happen to like raw, small birds. I got a cup and a piece of paper, got the cup over the bird and slid it onto the paper. Upending both, I managed to get the bird downstairs and put it in the bushes outside the front door (where the cat would never look -- she goes in and out the back door). Shivering for a number of minutes, the bird finally flew away.

I completed all these activities in a nightie. I hope no one was looking out their windows as I threw a cup of bird into my front yard.

Back in the bedroom, I was faced with two completely puzzled cats. They knew there had been a bird in the room; they had chased the bird around; where the hell had the bird got to???? They investigated my closet, under my bed, in my bathroom, and demanded I open a second closet door where the bird had never been. I just know when I get home tonight that they'll still be looking for that stupid bird.

I don't know when this "I'm teaching my kittens how to hunt" phase will last, but it's quite annoying. However, it explains why my cat chirps and squeaks, and why she's only bringing stunned and unhurt prey into the house.

cat_slave @ 2007-11-18T15:47:00

2007-11-18T21:01:28Z

Ahhh, there's nothing quite like the feeling you get from being well-stuffed with turkey, mashed taters, stuffing, and gravy. MMmmm................mmmMMMMHHHHHH!

I decided to have our traditional Turkey Day today because I always get depressed eating non-turkey food items at my in-laws for Thanksgiving. Right now, I have a large pot of potential turkey soup simmering on the stove, and will get to eat left-over turkey dinner and fresh-made turkey soup for the next several days.

This time last year, both Mom and Dad were still alive, and called me to complain about the terrible Thanksgiving they had at my Aunt Peggy's house (okay, technically it was a year minus five days ago).

Too many changes in the past 2 1/2 years to cope with - and have left me feeling terribly nostalgic for my former life. Driving to & from work these past few weeks in DC traffic makes me long for the State College "rush minutes" and the Bellefonte "never rush traffic" times. If things work out with PSU, I shouldn't have to worry about traffic for a long, long time.

On Thursday, it was raining. There had been a lot of wind during the night and many leaves had come down. So, of course, all the people who live in the DC metro area who have NEVER SEEN RAIN BEFORE (which is >99% of them) had to drive 10 - 20 miles UNDER the speed limit in moderate to mild rain. It took me 62 minutes to travel 12.9 miles. I sat through 4 light changes at one intersection until I could finally go through.

Friday, I got stuck (in bright sunshine on dry roads) behind someone going 15 miles UNDER the speed limit in the LEFT LANE on a 4 lane divided highway. After waiting for a break in the regularly-moving traffic to my right, I was finally able to get around her. At the next light, I looked in my rearview mirror and saw a blonde Asian woman, whose head barely rose above the dashboard, gripping the top of the wheel with both hands tight together. I guess she's another one of those wives who followed their husbands to the US, and never bothered to take a driving test or get a driver's license. Every time I've seen some idiot traveling the WRONG WAY down a divided 4 lane highway, it has been some tiny Asian woman looking very confused.

I want OUT of my office where I stare at a computer screen for most of the day. I want OUT of this traffic, pollution, gang fights (last week, some girl got stabbed in the hand at Wendy's [WENDY'S!!] and her boyfriend stabbed and KILLED the guy who stabbed HER outside at a bus stop. In the middle of the afternoon. In front of dozens of witnesses. The paper said they were part of the Crips and Bloods), and ego-boosting nearly everyone engages in.

Oh, well. I can only wait for PSU to call me back. *bites nails yet again*

I know what I want for my birthday this year......

2007-09-14T01:49:03Z

To talk to my parents one more time.

cat update part III

2007-07-15T00:26:45Z

Misty and Kimi will now sniff noses when they meet. They can lounge together less than 2 feet apart. One will eat while the other is watching, and I haven't heard Kimi hiss at her for over a week now.

Cassie is another case entirely. She watches Misty like a hawk - refuses to sniff ANYTHING about her - and won't let Misty come within 2 feet without growling.

Misty has taken to sleeping on all the places Kimi sleeps - on top of the kitty condo, in the papasan chair, on the old office chair, etc. Kimi sleeps on our bed during the day, and Misty sleeps there at night.

Cassie is extremely friendly with us, though, and has gone back to hogging the chocolate pudding we're trying to peacefully eat out of a plastic container. She ate over HALF of mine the other night! She's snuggly and cuddly in the evenings, and follows us all around the house. Kimi comes up to be petted, and rolls over so you can pet her belly when she's on the bed.

Crypt, I've started writing my book (a sort of "how to teach science" for elementary teachers) and I'd like you're help in editing the chapters as I finish them. There should be less than 10 chapters when I'm done. I have the first one finished, and I'll be sending it to you to read & edit. Oh, crap, you don't have Word, do you? What format should I put it in for you to look at? I'm willing to pay you for your help, too, so think it over and let me know.

cat update 2

2007-07-01T02:50:15Z

Just got back from five days of sifting through Mom & Dad's belongings. I brought back another car load (bigger than the first two), but spent hours cleaning and cataloging items. Whew!

Kimi nuzzled me and rolled over so I could pet her belly when I came into the house. Cassie rubbed all over my legs and bit me. Misty cried until I picked her up.

Kimi and Cassie played "chase the cat" up and down the stairs. Misty is snuggling with Dad. Cassie climbed onto the back of my computer chair, saw that I had a nice, frosty glass of filtered water with ice, and proceeded to DRINK FROM MY GLASS for over 15 minutes. She's now rubbing her jowls on my computer monitor and trying to walk across the keyboard.

Cassie seems to have completely adapted, if only she didn't have to run away from that pesky younger cat who only wants to play. Kimi won't snuggle for any length of time, but cries when she sees us and still loves to be petted. Misty seems happy to have someone to chase, and she keeps approaching both of them to play. Kimi will sleep in the living room within jumping distance of Misty, so she must feel somewhat secure.

On another topic, we did a lot of cleaning and moving furniture at the Ellenton house. Crypt, you ought to like it there when we all go up next month. Quizpost and I saw a small bear, and wondered where its mom was. Quiz, Korgulon, and I went out spotting deer and saw 14 of them. The berry bushes look good, and the lawn is nicely mown. There are new beds and new bedding in all the rooms, and Grandma's recliner is in the living room. Her pots & pans and her silverware are there now, too.

Hope you're having a nice weekend!

cat_slave @ 2007-06-09T09:49:00

2007-06-09T14:05:07Z

I hate this possible impending drama regarding the dispersal of my parents' estate. It gives me nightmares. Long story short: two brothers with ideas opposed by one sister, slightly opposed by other sister. Executors v non-executors. Men v women. Siblings v in-laws. However you look at it, it could become ugly. And here I only wanted one last time at my parents' house before it becomes totally cleared out to remember my childhood and their lives.

It's just so strange - my life was so stable for such a long time. Really, between the time I got married and started back to college, all I did was pop out kids, be a mommy, cook, clean, bitch, etc. No offense, kids, but there were many times I thought that my brain had turned to mush, and all my life I would be a nobody who accomplished nothing more than what the most retarded, committed mother could do: raise kids and keep them clean & fed.

When I started working again, I was so stressed about keeping up the same amount of effort at home that I had always done, while working full-time. I have very few memories of that time (like the first 4 years of teaching) - I was exhausted all the time. I remember our summers as times of schedule-free days.

Anyway, when I went up to visit my parents in November, I couldn't help thinking "how long will this go on? Another five years? Seven years?"
They seemed almost timeless, although age had painfully caught up with them. But the house was the same, the town was the same, the people were the same. (The same woman sat behind my parents in church for over thirty YEARS!)

And now, it's completely, irrevocably, different. The house will be sold. I doubt I'll travel that far just to visit my aunt. I won't see those people I've known my entire life. I won't sit in the pew and stare at the stained glass window, wondering about the man who dedicated that window to his dead wife, and think about my wedding in that church.

I like to have things change, but these changes have been so fast & furious that I feel like I'm on a carnival ride, with my life speeding out of control. This is the 4th place I've lived in since September '05 (counting State College), and I'm really tired of shuffling my stuff around. I'm tired of not knowing my neighbors well. I'm tired of trying to adapt to my adult children changing their lives around because they sincerely don't know where they're going or what they want to do. And I wonder if my own attempts to get out of the rut I was in prompted this entire mess. Whatever else I did with my life, I knew down to my bones I did not want to stay in the same place, working the same job, for the rest of my life. To me, that's death in life.

I have goals I'd like to achieve in the next five years, but don't think I can do them due to family constraints.

I think once everything is over & done with my parents' stuff, it will be easier to deal with it. And if I could only convince my siblings to visit ME on occasion, instead of the other way round, it might make me happier.

Long time, no post.

2007-06-05T00:23:38Z

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!

Yeah, and when life hands you a big, steaming pile of crap, what are you supposed to do with THAT? Shitpatties? Crapcakes?

I miss my parents every single day. I have this weird, obsessive thought: they don't know where I am. I moved on Mother's Day weekend. Since I used to call them every week without fail, and know subconsciously I haven't called them since early March, I keep finding this thought running through my head: "They can't find me if they need me! They don't know where I live now!"

Nearly everybody loses their parents sooner or later. Both of my maternal grandparents died even before my older brother was born. I don't remember my mother ever discussing them much when we were growing up. I just remember her saying that both her mother and father were dead, and they died before I was born. It was much later I learned more about them than that.

And here I am, AS OLD AS NORMA DESMOND (see, Quizpost, I ADMIT IT!) and missing my parents as if I were a child.

I was driving home from work in pouring rain tonight. DC metro drivers act each and every time as if they've never seen rain before, and slow down to 5 - 10 mph on the interstate highways at rush hour!!! Some idiot of a crazy man merged onto the highway between me & the car in front of me and was going approximately 60 mph. He nearly ran into the driver in front, and I had to slam on my brakes when he slammed on his. He proceeded to cross 4 lanes of traffic in heavy rain w/o a turn signal, and ran into a puddle so big he threw a spray of water across 4 lanes. I was momentarily blinded by the spray. I found myself thinking, "If I get hurt in this accident, how will Mom & Dad ever find out?" and "Will Mom and Dad want to visit me in the hospital if I get hurt?"

I must have had more than a few seconds for my life to flash before my eyes if I could come up with two completely irrational thoughts while wondering if I was going to crash.

Every time something good happens at work, the thought flashes through my brain that I ought to remember to tell my mother about it the next time I call, immediately followed by the depressing reality of her death.

I still have stupid thank-you notes to write to people, and I can't write more than the first sentence without crying. When I meet people from my hometown, and they offer their sympathies, I just want to shake them and tell them to leave me alone with my grief.

I don't expect to stop missing them, but hope to stop the irrational thoughts about them not being able to find me.

And, note to my offspring, DON'T EVER MOVE SOMEPLACE WITHOUT TELLING ME WHERE YOU ARE!

I wish I could drink more, but am under doctor's orders to cut down, if not cut it out completely. (I guess he hasn't heard that wine is GOOD for you!)

In other news, a couple of my former students were busted for drug dealing this past week. And a student from the OTHER team at Bellefonte, of the kind they NEVER LET ME TEACH (I got mostly the low-level kids), was injured in Iraq. He's an Army Ranger. What does that tell you about the caliber of student placed on my teaching team??

And I wrote a particularly pointed letter to Korgulon's superintendent, laying the blame for her leaving teaching squarely on her principal's unethical and unprofessional behavior. Let's hope some investigations are in order. I used my formal title, the return address of my gov. office, and threw in a little name-dropping in hopes of piquing his interest in looking into this.

Wednesday, I get to go to Capitol Hill to watch & listen to my boss testifying before a House Subcommittee. I hope it's worth going through the security hassles just to get in the building. Crypt, remember when the Fun Fruits wrapper in your pants pocket set off the metal detector at the House?

Next week I'm off to Colorado Springs for a conference. Apparently, there are big-ass mountains in Colorado. According to the photo of the hotel I'll be staying in, they're right behind it! Anybody else ever heard of these mountains? They gots SNOW on them in the photo....

cat_slave @ 2007-04-12T19:17:00

2007-04-12T23:18:03Z

Oh god, this made me laugh!

Lists of stuff my parents saved

2007-04-09T01:13:27Z

Over the past few years, I've written a couple of lists of strange things my parents had in their home that I would surreptiously throw away when I visited them. Both of them suddenly passed away this winter within 8 weeks of each other, and now I have the sad task of working with my siblings to clear out their 54 years of accumulated STUFF. But this is not ORDINARY stuff, nosireebob! It includes STUFF from both my maternal and paternal grandparents, GREAT-GRANDPARENTS, two great uncles (Willard & Ivan, for those who know), and stuff from childhood from all of my siblings. Considering that my maternal grandparents lost all their furnishings in a fire when my mother was less than a week old, and my parents also lost nearly everything in a fire when they were first married, they managed to gather an awful lot of things in their years together.

So, here's the latest list of (some) of the things I packed for Goodwill or set out for my siblings or simply threw away this weekend:

At least 1000 twist ties - still stuck together from the package of baggies needing twist ties. Enough to last me for the next 20 years or more. I took them, because I still need the occasional twist tie, but don't buy plastic storage bags that need them.
My father's Boy Scout uniform - he was 78 when he died, and must have stopped being a scout about 63 years ago.
My great-aunt's wedding veil - loaned to my mother for my wedding, which she forgot to tell me about, so I made my own. Lost it before my sister got married, so she didn't wear it, either. Hasn't been used since my aunt got married in 1949. In the original box.
A quilt my grandmother inherited from her GREAT-GRANDMOTHER. Oddly enough, in great condition. It goes to living relatives who still have the last name of my great-great-great grandmother's family. They've already asked us about the quilt.
Bobby pins. The old-fashioned type (not used in decades) like the witch in the Bugs Bunny cartoons (the one who loses them when she takes off in a hurry - remember?). Thrown away.
Rubber bands in a ball that were so old they had solidified. Thrown away.
The card on my bassinet from the hospital when I was born. In a box of received Christmas cards from the late 1990s. I've never seen it before.
Five 70 gallons bags of clothing. Just from this weekend. Mostly my mother's. And only some blouses, sweaters, and a couple of dresses and some coats. And we're not done. This doesn't include most of my father's clothes.
Two dresses of mine (homemade) from the early 1970s or late 1960s.
The top of a clown outfit for my DOLL from the spring of 1964. I know the date because I was in 2nd grade and in a play. I was a clown and carried a doll dressed like me. My mother made both my outfit and the doll's outfit. I wore the clown costume for Halloween for a year or two, and so did my sister. I even had a pointed hat with a pom-pom on top. Why the doll outfit was saved I couldn't even begin to guess.
Pieces of string too small to use.
Pencils (sharpened to point!) too small to hold - they were nothing but a point and a used eraser.
About eleven toothbrushes. And we found over 15 new toothbrushes still in packages.
Over 40 small pieces of soap - you know, the kind too small to use but too big to throw away? They must have been saved for decades - because I threw the others away before I moved away to college.
Empty Danish cookie tins - about 10 - because you'll never know when you need ANOTHER cookie tin, do you?
Shoes from the 40s.
To date, almost 30 boxes of books. And we're not even half done with book sorting. (They go to the local library.)
Dishes from the early 50s, the late 60s, the late 70s, and the 90s (each time my mother bought a new set, she saved the old one).
Used candles. By the boxload.
A box labeled "used Christmas cards." Burned.
Leftover wallpaper from the original papering of the upstairs hallway in 1962 or so. Leftover wallpaper from the second papering of the upstairs hallway in 1976. Leftover carpeting from the carpet laid down in 1962 and removed in the late 1980s.
All of our ice skates from our childhood. Ditto to sleds, bikes, skis, ski boots, and even my father's sled.
Some kind of ledge from a business my grandfather dealt with in the 20s to the 40s, with only a name and a number for various accounts, listing my grandfather as one among many. No explanation - just names and numbers.
An old set of encyclopedias from 2 great uncles to my mother.

I just shake my head at it all. My father inherited stuff when his 94-year-old mother died in 1993, and even SHE had stuff from previous relatives she hadn't sorted before she died. He took it to our house and just tucked it away without going through it. That means that my siblings and I are sometimes 3 or 4 generations removed from some of the boxes of books, household goods, and sheer STUFF people collected. Unfortunately, none of them were wealthy enough to purchase things of true value - their only value is sentimental, for the most part.

you learn something new every day

2007-03-20T02:50:50Z

Snow doughnuts.

Prayer Tech Support

2007-03-20T02:41:02Z

Jeff: Welcome to Prayercorp's Online Tech Support, my name is Jeff. How can I help you?

Aaron: Hi Jeff. I can't seem to get my Prayer to work.

Jeff: Okay, Aaron. May I have your account number?

Aaron: Sure. it's xxx-xxx-xxx (data encrypted for privacy)

Jeff: Okay, Aaron. Please wait while I pull up your account information.

Aaron: Okay, thanks.

Jeff: Alright, Aaron. It looks like everything should be in working order. Would you like me to test your connection remotely?

Aaron: Sure, thanks.

Jeff: Okay, great. I sent the test prayer.

Jeff: Tell me when anything happens.

Aaron: What do you mean?

Jeff: Tell me when anything happens.

Aaron: Anything?

Jeff: Yes.

Aaron: Can you be more specific?

Jeff: I'm sorry. Let me know when anything happens around you.

Aaron: Okay...well the wind just blew a tree branch against the window.

Jeff: Great, it looks like everything is working. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Aaron: Wait, what do you mean?

Jeff: I sent a test prayer to the God server through your line. The prayer was for anything to happen and something just happened on your end.

Aaron: But it was just the wind.

Jeff: God is all powerful and controls the wind. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Aaron: Wait a second. Do you mind if I test the connection while I have you on the line just to be sure?

Jeff: Okay.

Aaron: Thanks.

Jeff: Please let me know after you have prayed.

Aaron: I prayed 5 minutes ago and nothing.

Jeff: Can I ask what you prayed for?

Aaron: World peace.

Jeff: That prayer is too large for the God server to process. Try praying for something smaller.

Aaron: Why aren't you guys able to...nevermind...whatever.

Jeff: Please let me know after you have prayed.

Aaron: Okay I prayed again about 10 minutes ago and nothing happened.

Jeff: Can I ask what you prayed for?

Aaron: I prayed for one of my favorite bands to come to town. I just checked their website and they're not even touring.

Jeff: I'm checking your line for data transfer.

Jeff: The prayer was answered. The answer was wait.

Aaron: But it says right on the box "Prayer always works!" It doesn't say anything about having to wait.

Jeff: Prayer is guaranteed to work. You'll sometimes have to wait a very long time for a prayer to work. Did you read the instructions?

Aaron: Yes and I'm pretty sure I followed them quite closely. I installed Jesus 5.1 and let it run for a while and then installed Prayer. I read the user agreement that said the God server answers prayers and I was asked if I'd allow the communication and I accepted. I even hit myself in the head with the hammer included in the box. I have to tell you though it's quite hard to believe prayer actually works. I know a few people who say they have had good luck with it but I don't think it's actually working for them either.

Jeff: I think I see the problem. Do you have Reason 2007 installed?

Aaron: Of course.

Jeff: We've been experiencing a lot of problems with it lately. Don't worry. We have a solution.

Jeff: Just think of something very generic that you want to happen and when anything remotely similar happens you'll know for certain Prayer is working again.

Aaron: How long will it take to work?

Jeff: It will work much faster if you uninstall Reason 2007.

Aaron: Can you transfer me to sales? I think I'd like my money back.

still sad and not sleeping well

2007-03-16T16:03:05Z

So I went to see a doctor today. Told her about my bout with acute depression in early 2000 (which was caused by MULTIPLE emotional stresses, all of which involved life and death) in the context of when I last needed a sleeping aide, and her only question was, "Do you want to kill yourself right now?"

Kill myself? KILL MYSELF?!?!?!? What kind of a stupid question was that??? I want to be able to SLEEP, not die! Geez, lady! Where did you get your medical training??

Anyway, I now have a 10 day prescription for Ambien. I've been taking Korgulon's anti-anxiety sleep-aid drug, but it really leaves my mental facilities fuzzy and logy for hours. Ambien lets me sleep but wake up refreshed and aware.

My blood pressure has skyrocketed, though, and I'll need medication to deal with it. I don't expect to quickly drop 60+ lbs. anytime soon, so I guess it's time to go on meds for it. I have a doctor's appointment for Monday for that.

I put one of the planters Mom received after Dad's death in my office. The other one sits by the French doors, and Misty knocked it over already. Speaking of Misty, she's been traumatized. She cried continuously yesterday whenever Dad was gone. We spent almost 10 minutes after we first got home, coaxing her out of her hiding place under Korgulon's bed. She needs to be in contact with us when she's awake. And she almost shoved me out of bed last night when I was trying to lie down in "her" place.

I had to fill out multiple forms at the doctor's office today, and I couldn't even remember what day or date it was. All I knew what that it was March and 2007. I'm glad I'm off work until Thursday of next week. I really needed it.

Quizpost & Crypthanatopsis, I hope you guys don't get too much snow. I wouldn't worry about shoveling the driveway unless the forecast was for below freezing temperatures for a week or more. (I haven't checked it.) You might be able to get by with letting it melt, unless you get around a foot or so.

It's raining here. Like my tears that come & go. The strangest things start me up. Last night, I was looking up the weather forecast for State College, and when I found out about the winter storm, I immediately thought, "I'll call Mom and tell her about it. Marty will be over to plow her driveway," and starting crying when I realized I'll never be able to call her again. And now even writing this has made me cry again.

Better go back to reading tripe on the Internet.

another prayer

2007-03-10T00:42:22Z

Dear God, just because I made fun of you in my previous e-mail, you didn't have to go kill my mother to get back at me.Thanks a lot.

I'll miss you, mom, for the rest of my life.

My evening prayer

2007-03-07T23:41:33Z

Dear God, if you'll make the blood clot in Dick Cheney's leg move up into his brain and cause a stroke so he can never never never never never never never never never never again make any coherent statements or writings or decisions, I'll start believing in you again and never stop. Kthnx - Your friend, Barb

Having the most bizarre dreams lately.....

2007-02-22T04:19:09Z

Like dreaming I was at the Daytona 500 - even heard the announcers in my dream - and I don't even watch or listen to any races!

Another: I was at Ellenton with Russell and we were watching deer eat in the back yard - a bear came and ate parts of us.

Burglars breaking into my house and I had to hide.

Things to odd to even remember upon waking up.

The last time I had such detailed, nearly hallucinogenic dreams was after Korgulon was born. I swear my hormone fluctuations caused me mental distress. I vividly recall some of the dreams I had at that time, including believing that Korgulon was retarded (Down's syndrome) and no one would tell me the truth; that Korgulon was the seed of the devil himself and I had to throw her in a pit of fire; and that Crypthanatopsis was running around the rim of a black hole and was sucked down to his doom.

Each of those dreams left me shaking and disoriented for hours, if not days. And now I find myself with similar bizarre dreams. I never took LSD, although many of my friends did, and sometimes my dreams leave me wondering if they're what I would have experienced if I had dropped acid. Emotional stress is a weird, weird thing.

I hope my upcoming week in Puerto Rico will help calm my unconscious mind, as drinking does not seem to help at all.

Quizpost, your father thinks that the fact that I drank in front of you while you were growing up, and that I never stopped you from having a beer or a sip of wine whenever you wanted, has caused you to want to overindulge. I believe it's adolescent bad judgment. However, you should CUT BACK. One or two or three beers is plenty when you're alone.

Okay, here's my update.

2007-02-13T01:42:52Z

I guess I've been avoiding writing because I didn't want to get too morose in my entry. But I keep dreaming about my father, thinking about my father, wondering and worrying about my mother, and not sleeping well. I know grieving is different for everyone, but since this is the first time someone really close to me has died, I had no idea what form it would take for me. Every single time I slow down and am not reading, playing Sudoku or spider solitaire, or watching TV, it all comes rushing back to me. I'd rather not have to dwell on it, but I can't seem to get it out of my head.

In other news, I've been trying to exercise more to work off many of the multiple pounds I've put on since November. At work, I'm climbing stairs. This has a dual benefit: I move more and it makes my heart work harder. Unfortunately, it KILLS MY KNEES!!! Every single damn day they hurt - and sometimes they hurt so much that when I get home from work I can only lie down for hours and take pain killers. How else am I going to get some exercise?? It's been too cold to walk outdoors, and I can't take off in the middle of the day & go to a gym someplace - I don't have the time! I'm gone almost 10 hours a day for commuting & work - how the hell am I supposed to squeeze in exercise time? If I sleep 8 hours, work 10 hours, that gives me only 6 hours to cook, do housework, get ready to go to work, eat, and relax. Not too much time, considering it takes me about an hour to get ready to go to work in the morning, and then 1/2 to 3/4 hour at night to make, serve, and clean up from dinner. That leaves AT THE MOST 4 1/2 hours of relaxing time.

Anyway.....I'm glad I don't live in upstate New York. I read on the news tonight that Oswego has has 132" of snow so far, and more is expected this week. Holy shit! That much snow will hang around until the beginning of June, unless there is a massive heat wave in May.

I guess I've got nothin' else to say. I did hear this tidbit on the news today, though, that I thought I'd share: "You know America thinks Obama is a black man. No one is asking him about Iraq, are they?"

Almost the worst start to a new year I've ever had

2007-01-19T14:31:48Z

It rivals the beginning of 2000, in which I suffered a total breakdown and had to hospitalize one of my kids; and not in that order.

Death of my father
Burial of my father
Worry about the health of my mother
Missing the presence of my sons

Car accident on the way to work this morning (my fault); wrecking my car; missing yet ANOTHER day of work (I've only worked 4 1/2 days since December 26th).

Goddamn stress. I could do without it.

Death takes a holiday

2006-12-27T03:18:03Z

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

By Dylan Thomas in 1951 as his father lay dying.

Mine, however, is still living. How long that will last, no one can say.

cat_slave @ 2006-12-06T22:17:00

2006-12-07T03:17:59Z

(I think I just threw up in my mouth just a little.)

♫♪♫♫ One of these things is not like the others. Which one is different, do you know? ♫♪♫♫